k – i should be prepping my lecture for tomorrow’s class (on the history of feminist theory and the “waves” of feminism no less!) but t-bone and i (sorry to implicate you in this honey) had this hilarious conversation about what if our cats filled out something akin to say, online dating profiles. i know, random. and this will only be funny to me (and possibly t-bone but prolly not cause i implicated him in having this ridiculous conversation and he might be borderline considering a ban on the use of him, or anyone resembling him, in future ancedotes).

anyhoo. you’ve been warned. now, onto the kitty dating profiles.

hobbes1

username: hobbesie (to cute it up for the ladies. or boys. whatever. i’m open)

likes:

  • anyone (takes after his mother, otherwise known as the attention whore)
  • junk scratches (obviously)
  • salmon-flavoured anything
  • scavenging – more specifically – licking the butter
  • mice that make a noise when you toss them into the air
  • licking sachets of catnip till they drip with my spit
  • running into the uncharted territory that is the hallway and screaming at  the top of my lungs
  • screaming at anyone who is standing
  • screaming
  • keeping parents awake by 1) screaming and 2) terrorizing sister

dislikes:

  • bianca (above mentioned sister)
  • whenever anyone doesn’t pay attention to me (learned behaviour from mother)
  • when people are too shy to go as low as i like with the junk scratches
  • cat food – i generally prefer butter

bianca

username: biancs (more chic than plain ole bianca)

likes:

  • aggressive (some might say heavy) petting
  • throwing up hairballs – but only on the carpet
  • drinking out of glasses
  • scratching the litter box and surrounding area for 10 to 15 minutes at a time – longer if parental units are sleeping
  • making bird noises at birds that are just out of my grasp (that is to say, outside the window on trees and telephone wires that i would never, on any planet, be able to reach)
  • hiding under the bed when anyone comes to visit
  • immobile people whose laps look inviting – possibly mannequins (which my parents should look into)
  • rapid-fire smacking kittens, and especially hobbes, unexpectedly in the head
  • death-breathing – which i do when anyone does anything to me that i don’t like (makes them worry i might be dying so they immediately cease and desist. works like a charm)

dislikes:

  • hobbes. and his constant brown-nosing and attention-whoring. makes me sick to my – BLETCH! (*chokes up sausage-sized hairball*) – stomach
  • people. when they: come in the door, move, stand, walk, and especially when they walk in a way that could be construed as “in my direction”
  • hobbes
  • loud noises
  • when hobbes licks me – i pretend to like it so i don’t have to bathe myself but i.hate.him and everything he stands for
  • tall people
  • people that like me

alright. i’m satisfied. teehee. please feel free to include in the comments any of your pet’s likes and dislikes.

maybe we can matchmake.

meow.