badsanta2here is a christmas tale from the jacks family christmas storage vault. like all jacks’ tales, this one is a cautionary tale involving christmas cheer, a full bladder, and an unbruisable ass.

i hope you kids enjoy.

twas five nights before christmas and all through the newly purchased house of friends

everyone was drunk, like skunks or elves who had the bends

the chocolate fountain was flowing

and people were dipping even body parts that were showing

the house-owning couples’ relatives were trying to sleep

while jack’s-invented games were making them weep

t-bone was sucking candy canes and dipping brie in the fountain

i was drinking mulled and red wine like i was celebrating a climb up a very tall mountain

when i felt something persistently pressing on my ass-flattering jeans

i realized quite quickly that i had to find the means

to relieve my bladder

cause this was quite a serious matter

i scoped out the bathroom scenario to see if it was full

and upon deciding it was clear (despite the fact that the door was closed), i felt the pull

to go quickly and burst open the door

only to find my ass thumping along the floor

for alas, i had opened the door to the basement

and had sailed along my ass into quite a kafuffled placement

skinning my knuckle

and flapping at my buckle

but i did proclaim as i picked my sodden self up

“i seriously gotta piss over here, can someone get me a cup?”

and fortunately, someone else said: “Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Goodnight”

i think it was santa

(the last part about santa didn’t really happen but the rest is for true. for reals).