chefas i sit lately between the dual screens of my computer and my beloved television, i try to come up with more reasons to whine. sometimes i think whining is the ultimate procrastination technique. or my genetic disposition. or my destiny. in any case, i am going to regale you with ridiculous stuff i am whining about today in order to um…well procrastinate. instead of my usual list however, i will present my whiny-ness as a series of conversation fragments in order to illustrate the silliness of my supposed ‘troubles.’

here goes.

SCHOOLWORK

me: “yeah. i have to revise my dissertation. it’s like editing but so.much.worse.”

unnamed voice of reason (who is currently writing their dissertation): “yeah but look at the position you are in – actually finished a draft and editing basically. i can’t wait to be there.”

me: “i’m not sure you heard me – i have to revise. and revising is like editing which i hate. you like editing, don’t you? you’re not that busy are you – wanna do it for fifty bucks?”

KITTY LOVE

me: “there are cats everywhere. they are on me all.the.time. they also have way to much soft fluffy irresistible fur. do you think [unnamed dissertation writing/fan of editing friend] would take them instead of the fifty bucks i offered her?”

t-bone: “um…are you okay?”

me: “do you think we could get more? i mean, they are pretty cute…”

t-bone: “so you want to sell our cats?”

me: “i’m not a terrible person! shut up! why would you want to get rid of the cats?!?!” *sobbing uncontrollably while squeezing hobbes too tightly*

LAUNDRY

me: “why do you even wear underwear? boxers are ridiculous anyway – they don’t do anything with regard to containment, protection, or general control-age of the junkage – maybe we should just throw all your underwear out and then i won’t have to wash them. EVER.”

t-bone: “i’m gonna just pretend you didn’t say that.”

CLEANING

me: “i have cleaned three times in the last week. wtf is with that?”

friend: “you should get rid of your cats – it is all their fur.”

me: “THAT’S WHAT I SAID! i’ll let you have one of them for fifty bucks.”

COOKING

me: “i’m on strike.”

t-bone: “yeah. i pretty much figured that out about five years ago.”

YOGA

me: “i don’t have time to be zen. i am too busy trying to line up someone to edit my dissertation, pawning my cats on unsuspecting friends, not cook and clean, and surreptitiously throw all your underwear out.”

t-bone: “i just asked if you wanted an omelet.”

SNOW

me: “why the f*ckballs is it snowing? yesterday i had allergic reactions to cherry blossom trees blossoming and NOW F-ING SNOW?!?! well, at least i can pretend it is xmas again.”

t-bone: “maybe i’ll get boxers from santa?”

DEADLINES

me: “time is relative. life is relative. just ask tom green. i mean – who ever thought he’d be on t.v. again – now look at him! i should prolly just pace myself. that is what tom would want me to do.”

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME

me: “i’m so freaking tired. what the hell time is it? no – like the real time – like the time it was yesterday before nothing happened and we switched the clocks ahead an entire hour. yeah. that time.”

SPRING

me: “it’s f*cking snowing in vancouver and we are gonna set a record for snowfall. tonight. don’t talk to me about spring. it is just a teaser. a myth. like hairless cats and personal chefs. all lies.”

friend: “so that means you don’t want to go outside?”

me: “no for sure i do! i’ll go and get my catfur coat. be right with you!”

and there you have it – my muddled, whine-ass state of mind lately.

perhaps it’s paralyzed spring fever.

but here’s to shedding winter like an old catfur coat and un-needed boxers! jacks needs to bust out baby – so watch out!

no seriously – watch out. might try to sell you a cat or get you to edit my dissertation.

so seriously. um…watch out.

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