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vincentk. so there. i’m doing it too. i actually started a list of 25 things a few weeks ago after creampuff put out a blanket tag to all her bloggy friends (which was obviously only directed at me and my rack – you’re shameless roro!) but i hated them all so i am starting fresh. here goes!

1. when i was 6 i wanted to be a stripper. mostly for the costumes.

2. when people dress overly ironically (e.g., cat-eye glasses with little diamonds in them, horseshoe-patterned old man sweaters, etc.) i want to hurt them a little. you know, like shove-hurt not kick-in-the-junk-hurt.

3. i can smell everything. always.

4. i always want to help tourists. i don’t know if this has to do with my background in tourist industry or my uncontrollable desire to tell everyone what to do.

5. i am disproportionately afraid of farting in yoga class.

6. i love french fries and would eat them every meal of everyday if i could. i secretly wish i was one of those people who was all like “deep-fried stuff – disgusting!” but instead i want to kick-in-the-junk-hurt them.

7. i should always be doing one of two things: i) writing my dissertation, and/or 2) marking/prepping/reading. what i am always doing: watching some kind of former child star have a breakdown on much more music. congrats to those who got that reality show reference.

8. as t-bone always tells me, i have weird celebrity crushes. case in point: vincent d’onofrio (see post pic above). and not when he was thin. (and yes, criminal intent is on in the background. but rest assured. i am using both hands for this post).

9. i was born without a filter (see above). or else it’s broke.

10. i imagine that i have an incredible palate (maybe because of the smelling-everything thing – see above) and that i would make an excellent food critic. so, if anyone’s hiring, me and my beaknose are available.

11. my first kiss – when i was 11 – was ritz-flavoured. and with a boy nicknamed sasquatch.

12. i can touch my tongue to my nose (see beaknose above).

13. i am almost 30 years old and i hate getting in trouble. especially if it is for something trivial like peeing in public places or stealing. (k – for the record the only thing i ever stole was a rubber band from an office when i was young. and i actually think i only had the intent. that’s right. the criminal intent. see above).

14. both hands are still in use.

15. on the keyboard.

16. i believe in true wuv. like princess bride kind.

17. i love standing in front of a classroom. truly.

18. i learned my best dance moves from the dutch.

19. when i was 11, i plagiarized a line from the book – not the movie – arachnophobia and it was the only part the teacher made special mention of.

20. i once poked the eye out of a fish, wrapped it nicely and gave it to my mom as a gift. and then encouraged my cousin to do the same.

21. there is nothing funnier in the world to me than poop jokes. the word poop in fact might be the funniest in the english language.

22. there can never been enough: beer, food, asian-inspired decorations, cats, or potpourri. ever.

23. i turned two months on nude beach into a master’s thesis.

24. i have eaten alpaca. yeah, that’s right. i’m the devil.

25. i think i am a much better cook than i am. and also, i watch the food network endlessly only to have t-bone repeatedly point out that i never, ever write down a recipe or cook anything i learn how to make from watching the channel. he doesn’t understand food porn. poor t-bone.

and i shall tag: dr.beth because she often throws a little tag love my way (and she has a shiny new blog – go look!), chaos because she must blog again!, and lucas because i think he’ll think it’s fun.

k. tagging over. jacks out.

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so besides finding out that posts about boobs means lotsa blog traffic (oh, that den of sin called the internets!) and forgetting to demand that you all go see doubt (go. now. i command you!) because of my love/crush/obsession with weepy streepy – i mean comeon! just look at these faces:

meryl_streep

i have to update you on another important matter. that is: showing my ass atop grouse mountain today while skiing. okay, i exaggerate. but here is what unfolded. i have decided to use the sage voice of t-bone for this because i imagine that skiing with me is equivalent to a root canal and so this is a tribute to his patience, love, and misguided attempts to turn me into a skier. poor t-bone.

here goes (remember we are inside the wise and courageous mind of my husband – these thoughts cannot be attributed to the thoughtful spaz – moi- because they are simply too logical. and guy-y):

10:30am – if i have to show her one more time how to properly carry her skis, i might injure myself. however, if i have to wait any longer for her, i might kill her. what he actually says: “comin’?”

10:31am – flip! just put them together like i told you! hehe. i just said flip like bret does on flight of the conchords. i’m funny.

10:35am – alright. she managed to get her spastic ass into the gondola. we might actually ski/snowboard today. just smile. then busy myself with my phone. she usually gets bored of that pretty quick.

10:43am – “let’s take this run, k?” now i have to wait a century until she gets her skis on. “ready?”

10:47am – she still doesn’t have them on. now she’s complaining. maybe next time i’ll come alone. i remember that being fun. before i was married…

10: 49am – she’s still complaining – “what? no you didn’t. really. i’m sure you didn’t split your pants. it just sounded that way. they’re fine. ski ahead and i’ll check”

10:50am – oh yeah. those are split. hehe. that’s funny. no laughing, she already wants to go home. i can see it. damage control. damage control! god. i hope she doesn’t cry.

10:51am – “you can’t even see it. really. the insulatey material is the same colour. really. now let’s go. wait – your boot is open – close it”

10:52am – oh shit. she just split them more. maybe she didn’t hear that.  *holds breath*

so anyhoo. two hours later we get down to the bottom (after i fell about a million times on my newly exposed ass because apparently “fresh powder” means jacks falls on said ass. a lot) and i realize that yes, my ass was hanging out and it was a lot worse than t-bone told me. bless his heart though. cause he helped. and cause i didn’t cry. and i only made everything his fault for about 45 minutes.

so alls well that ends well.

i guess.

badsanta2here is a christmas tale from the jacks family christmas storage vault. like all jacks’ tales, this one is a cautionary tale involving christmas cheer, a full bladder, and an unbruisable ass.

i hope you kids enjoy.

twas five nights before christmas and all through the newly purchased house of friends

everyone was drunk, like skunks or elves who had the bends

the chocolate fountain was flowing

and people were dipping even body parts that were showing

the house-owning couples’ relatives were trying to sleep

while jack’s-invented games were making them weep

t-bone was sucking candy canes and dipping brie in the fountain

i was drinking mulled and red wine like i was celebrating a climb up a very tall mountain

when i felt something persistently pressing on my ass-flattering jeans

i realized quite quickly that i had to find the means

to relieve my bladder

cause this was quite a serious matter

i scoped out the bathroom scenario to see if it was full

and upon deciding it was clear (despite the fact that the door was closed), i felt the pull

to go quickly and burst open the door

only to find my ass thumping along the floor

for alas, i had opened the door to the basement

and had sailed along my ass into quite a kafuffled placement

skinning my knuckle

and flapping at my buckle

but i did proclaim as i picked my sodden self up

“i seriously gotta piss over here, can someone get me a cup?”

and fortunately, someone else said: “Merry Christmas to All, and to All a Goodnight”

i think it was santa

(the last part about santa didn’t really happen but the rest is for true. for reals).